Title: Snow Tim & The Avenged Sevenfold
Rating: R for language
Pairing: Jared/Tim (eventually), mentions of Shannon/Tomo
Summary: Crack!fic 30stm take off of 'Snow White & The Seven Dwarves'
Warnings: Crack. Crack. Language. Did I mention crack?
Disclaimer: We’re going with The Brothers Grimm as credit for this one and obviously we made up the 30stm parts, and the A7X parts too :p Also *grumbles* we have to credit Avril Lavigne (though it causes us pain to do so) for the line mother fucking princess - but we’d like to point out that we’ve actually been listening to the The Pigeon Detectives version…so it’s not that bad.
AN: This is for![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
mlady_rebecca, who said fractured fairy tales, and made us want a series called Fractured Fairy Tales and Modern Myths We can haz? So this is for you, thank you :* (call it an early birthday present?)
Self-beta'd because it is nonsense, any corrections gratefully received :D
Once upon a time, there was a motherfucking Princess of a Rockstar. He had everything; talent, power, money, influence, dashing good looks, he was a motherfucking princess for crissake! His band were responsible for two hit albums, they had a killer tour lined up, he had a successful movie career, the constant and adoring support of his brother and manservant, what more did a guy need?
One night he gazed out upon the see of arms drifting back and forth in time to one of his musical masterpieces (it didn't matter which one, they were all awesome). After he got bored and confused trying to count the different colors of armwarmers, he had a thought. The crowd sang the song for him; that's right, he was so fucking shit hot he didn't even need to sing, he could spend the whole night with his arms outstretched, spinning around the stage if he wanted to.
As he pondered the many mysteries of life and things he still wanted to do before he died - while spinning around on the stage with his arms out - he tripped over a sound cable and bit his lip. He watched enraptured as a drop of blood splashed onto his white shirt and he suddenly just knew what was missing in his life. What he wouldn't give for a bass player whose skin was a white as his shirt, whose hair was as dark as the roof of the venue and whose lips were as red as his blood, (although not dried blood, because that was a nasty brown color, but fresh blood, that was pretty and red and went so well with his coloring).
After the show had finished and the Princess, his brother and their manservant were relaxing in their hotel room, (Princess suite, obviously), the Princess (let's call him Jared, it's far easier to type) expressed his wishes to his doting brother (let's call him Shannon) and his faithful manservant (let's call him Tomo).
"I want a bass player; a pretty one!"
Shannon was anxious not to upset his brother but he could see more than one problem with the plan already.
"Dude, we had one of those once, didn't work out so well."
"Well I want another!" He stamped his foot and proceeded to get in a royal huff. "You and Tomo have to find me one. Now."
Shannon sighed and got up, because he knew there would be no peace until he had fulfilled Jared's wishes. He took Tomo's hand and together they went into the night to find Jared a bass player.
"And make sure he's pretty!" Jared shouted as they left. Then he sat down and grinned a satisfied Cheshire cat grin and ate chocolate spread from a jar until they got back.
* * *
It took Shannon and Tomo three days and three nights to grant Jared's wish. Even though he was in constant Blackberry to Blackberry contact, Jared still screamed at them when they returned. "Where the hell have you two been?"
Shannon adored his brother, and would do anything for him, everything except compromise musical integrity. "Decent bass players don't grow on trees y'know, I wasn't just gonna go out on the street and hire the first pretty boy who walked past."
Tomo nodded, "we knew you needed the best, so here he is." Shannon and Tomo stepped to the side to show him the somewhat dazed, brand spanking new, shiny, fuckalicious, bass player.
"Well done, I see that you have used your time well and so I will forgive you on this occasion. You're just in time, we have to wow the crowd tonight." Jared clapped his hands. To be honest, he barely noticed the bass player, now he had one, the novelty had worn off, and so he mostly ignored him, which saved him from having to learn his name.
One of Tomo's roles as manservant was to constantly feed Jared compliments to ensure his ego stayed bigger than the collective intelligence of the human race, otherwise terrible rifts would occur between time and space, sucking reality and life as we know it into it's fetid core. Which would be bad. Unless one was really partial to dying in unusual and painful ways.
"Tomo?"
"Yes, Jared?"
"Before we go on stage, please tell me who the prettiest boy in the world is?"
Instead of his usual reply of, "Jared you are the prettiest boy the world, if I wasn't fucking your brother, I would want to defy science and carry your babies."
To which Jared would respond by ruffling his hair and calling him cute.
Instead, Tomo said; "It's true that you are very pretty, Jared, but I don't think I can truthfully tell you that you are the prettiest boy in the world any more."
"WHAT!" Jared immediately assumed he was having a nightmare (except there was a distinct lack of chickens), or Tomo had fallen over and hit his head (probably a new kinky sex game of Shannon's), he could not believe his ears.
"Tim is as pretty as you, and when he's getting his bass on, boy is the SEX, seriously."
"Who the fuck isAlice Tim?"
"Bass player, onstage with us last night," Tomo pointed over his shoulder, "sitting beside Shannon on the couch?"
"Well...get rid of him!"
"Shut up Jared."
Jared was used to nothing less than utter obedience from both Shannon and Tomo, so to say he was shocked was the understatement of the... well, the day to be perfectly honest. Being a princess tended to make one slightly over-dramatic.
"The concert is OFF! I refuse to go onstage with this," Jared waved his hand up and down and across, "this… Jezebel!" Jared stormed off and slammed the door behind him.
“Why’d he go in the closet?” Tim asked nervously.
“He’s pissy because I said you’re just as pretty as him.”
"Umm," Tim looked worriedly between Tomo and Shannon, "maybe I should quit?"
"Don't you dare, do you have anywhere you can stay for a few days? Give him time to calm down."
"I guess, I know these guys across town, they'd let me stay there, if it's just a few days."
"Great, do that. Tomo and I will smooth things over this end. It'll be worth it, you'll see."
* * *
Jared examined every inch of the hotel suite and was happy that Tim had gone and was not hiding in the wardrobe. He found Tomo reading a magazine upside down (he was upside down, hanging off the end of the bed, technically the magazine was upside down too, but he was reading it the right way up).
"Tell me Tomo, who is the prettiest boy in the world?"
Tomo flipped his legs over his head and stood up. "It's a toss up, Tim's still hot."
"But he's not here!"
"Dude, he still exists, there's more to life than just this room."
"Where is he?"
"Went to stay with some friends, Avenged Sevenfold, or something. Shannon knows them."
Jared hatched a cunning plan in his, twisted-in-random-ways, brain. It was simple really - Tim would have to cease to exist.
* * *
Disguised as a (female) wardrobe assistant, Jared snuck into the dressing room where he knew Tim would be waiting for Avenged Sevenfold to finish their set.
He knocked the door and it was indeed Tim who answered. "I need to test this corset, everyone else is busy, will you help me?" Jared thought his disguise most convincing, (he was a famous actor after all) and his plan foolproof.
Tim (who was a nice guy and not much of a fool. But everyone has their off days) found he couldn't say no to such an innocent seeming request and welcomed Jared into the dressing room. Besides, he was a sucker for blue eyes and men in drag.
Jared tightened the laces until Tim started turning an interesting shade of red and then he excused himself to fetch his bag. Leaving Tim gasping for breath, Jared threw off his disguise and ran off cackling into the night.
* * *
Tim was saved because The Reverend Tholomew Plague (no relation to ‘Famine’ of the Four Horsemen) luckily came back for his spare sticks. He cut the laces with his teeth and breathed air into Tim's lungs until they were pumping on their own again.
"Dude, that was close, and I don't even want to know what you were doing."
Tim coughed. "I didn't do it to myself!"
"That's what I was afraid of."
* * *
News of Tim's survival soon reached Jared's hotel suite.
"Curses!" He slammed his fist on the dressing table and winced a little when he staved his pinkie.
'I need a new plan.' He said it on the inside because Shannon and Tomo were still trying to convince him they needed Tim in the band, they'd probably object to killing him.
Turning up in person had failed, besides, Tim would have to be really stupid to fall for the same trick twice. He decided to use fed-ex.
* * *
Tim opened his mail warily, he half expected it might explode and was pleasantly surprised to find a beautiful, antique, one size fits all, collar. He snapped it into place and knew immediately it was too tight. His last thought as he drifted out of consciousness was that he’d never been to Australia or swum with dolphins, he really wanted to do both of those things.
Fortunately, Synyster Gates (who sounds like he should be the villain, but isn’t really. Its just a wicked sounding name. For a house more than a person. But still, he was happy with it) was passing Tim’s room and thought it odd that Tim had stopped breathing for the second time in less than forty-eight hours, what was up with that? He was beginning to think the guy had an asphyxiation kink.
Being an all round decent sort of guy, not exactly hero material (it’s difficult to be a hero with a name like Synyster) but close enough that he removed the collar and gave Tim the kiss of life, and teased him about how he was working his way around the band and if he wanted to make out, all he had to do was ask.
Tim threw the collar in the bin and vowed never to accept gifts from anyone, ever again.
The news of Tim’s second survival soon reached Jared’s ears and he spent half an hour breaking things in a therapeutic manner. Right, he thought to himself because he was still trying very hard to keep Shannon and Tomo out of his plans, thank you very much - last try. He placed an anonymous call to Papa Johns, and ordered pizza to be delivered to Tim and his seven friends.
Jared intercepted and paid the delivery boy and added a few ‘special ingredients’ before knocking the door and leaving the pizza outside.
The door was answered by Zacky Vengeance, (who was not the sort of person who questioned free food), and grabbed the pizzas quickly, shutting the door behind him.
Jared watched from across the street and once he saw that his plan had been a success, he ran off cackling into the night.
* * *
For strange and inexplicable reasons that no one knows (but it probably involved kissing), Avenged Sevenfold managed to, somehow, survive death-by-pizza and save ourheroine darling Tim in the process.
When Tomo informed Jared of the near death of their kind-of-bassist, Jared’s bottom lip wobbled in disappointment. He’d failed. Again.
“Dude, can’t you just admit you want to fuck him instead of trying so damn hard to kill him. Do you have any idea how difficult it’ll be to replace yet another Bassist?”
Jared was shocked, horrified at the implication that he would stoop so low as to – ok, he didn’t have the best track record, but shocked and horrified nonetheless. He locked himself in the closet again.
After spending two hours fuming and wondering who’s stupid idea it was to have the closet door and the main door so close together and looking exactly the same, he finally came to the inclusion that killing their kind-of-Bassist might, just, possibly, maybe be a bad idea.
He informed Shannon and Tomo of this, and told them to stop trying to kill Tim (just incase Tim had magical super-hearing. He didn’t want to be blamed).
“What changed your mind?”
Jared didn’t mention the conversation he’d had with the mop. It was a bit too personal.
“Sorry, there’s a fine line between love and hate, I just wasn’t sure which side he was on.”
Tomo walked in on Jared and Tim fucking like bunnies less than three hours later. “I take it all back, there is nothing in this world prettier than that, please continue as if I’m not here.”
* * *
The first proper show with Tim on stage with them, and Jared actually acknowledging him as part of the band was a roaring success. In fact, Avenged Sevenfold (those guys who kept saving Tim’s ass) came to shake their hands at the after show party.
Jared looked at them quizzically, worrying that maybe, possibly, accidentally, one of his plans had worked, “where are the others?”
Five faces mirrored his expression (minus the worry), “what others?” the kinda dopey looking one asked.
“There should be seven of you,” Jared said in the tone of a five year old child who knows everything and is always right.
“Nah, s’just a clever name.”
“Ahh, right” but he wasn’t convinced.
And they all lived happily ever after. Although the Avenged Sevenfold actually being 'Not-Really-Vengeful-At-All Five-All-Told' thing kept Jared up for hours after Tim had collapsed in a thoroughly fucked-out and still adorable heap.
Rating: R for language
Pairing: Jared/Tim (eventually), mentions of Shannon/Tomo
Summary: Crack!fic 30stm take off of 'Snow White & The Seven Dwarves'
Warnings: Crack. Crack. Language. Did I mention crack?
Disclaimer: We’re going with The Brothers Grimm as credit for this one and obviously we made up the 30stm parts, and the A7X parts too :p Also *grumbles* we have to credit Avril Lavigne (though it causes us pain to do so) for the line mother fucking princess - but we’d like to point out that we’ve actually been listening to the The Pigeon Detectives version…so it’s not that bad.
AN: This is for
mlady_rebecca, who said fractured fairy tales, and made us want a series called Fractured Fairy Tales and Modern Myths We can haz? So this is for you, thank you :* (call it an early birthday present?)Self-beta'd because it is nonsense, any corrections gratefully received :D
Once upon a time, there was a motherfucking Princess of a Rockstar. He had everything; talent, power, money, influence, dashing good looks, he was a motherfucking princess for crissake! His band were responsible for two hit albums, they had a killer tour lined up, he had a successful movie career, the constant and adoring support of his brother and manservant, what more did a guy need?
One night he gazed out upon the see of arms drifting back and forth in time to one of his musical masterpieces (it didn't matter which one, they were all awesome). After he got bored and confused trying to count the different colors of armwarmers, he had a thought. The crowd sang the song for him; that's right, he was so fucking shit hot he didn't even need to sing, he could spend the whole night with his arms outstretched, spinning around the stage if he wanted to.
As he pondered the many mysteries of life and things he still wanted to do before he died - while spinning around on the stage with his arms out - he tripped over a sound cable and bit his lip. He watched enraptured as a drop of blood splashed onto his white shirt and he suddenly just knew what was missing in his life. What he wouldn't give for a bass player whose skin was a white as his shirt, whose hair was as dark as the roof of the venue and whose lips were as red as his blood, (although not dried blood, because that was a nasty brown color, but fresh blood, that was pretty and red and went so well with his coloring).
After the show had finished and the Princess, his brother and their manservant were relaxing in their hotel room, (Princess suite, obviously), the Princess (let's call him Jared, it's far easier to type) expressed his wishes to his doting brother (let's call him Shannon) and his faithful manservant (let's call him Tomo).
"I want a bass player; a pretty one!"
Shannon was anxious not to upset his brother but he could see more than one problem with the plan already.
"Dude, we had one of those once, didn't work out so well."
"Well I want another!" He stamped his foot and proceeded to get in a royal huff. "You and Tomo have to find me one. Now."
Shannon sighed and got up, because he knew there would be no peace until he had fulfilled Jared's wishes. He took Tomo's hand and together they went into the night to find Jared a bass player.
"And make sure he's pretty!" Jared shouted as they left. Then he sat down and grinned a satisfied Cheshire cat grin and ate chocolate spread from a jar until they got back.
It took Shannon and Tomo three days and three nights to grant Jared's wish. Even though he was in constant Blackberry to Blackberry contact, Jared still screamed at them when they returned. "Where the hell have you two been?"
Shannon adored his brother, and would do anything for him, everything except compromise musical integrity. "Decent bass players don't grow on trees y'know, I wasn't just gonna go out on the street and hire the first pretty boy who walked past."
Tomo nodded, "we knew you needed the best, so here he is." Shannon and Tomo stepped to the side to show him the somewhat dazed, brand spanking new, shiny, fuckalicious, bass player.
"Well done, I see that you have used your time well and so I will forgive you on this occasion. You're just in time, we have to wow the crowd tonight." Jared clapped his hands. To be honest, he barely noticed the bass player, now he had one, the novelty had worn off, and so he mostly ignored him, which saved him from having to learn his name.
One of Tomo's roles as manservant was to constantly feed Jared compliments to ensure his ego stayed bigger than the collective intelligence of the human race, otherwise terrible rifts would occur between time and space, sucking reality and life as we know it into it's fetid core. Which would be bad. Unless one was really partial to dying in unusual and painful ways.
"Tomo?"
"Yes, Jared?"
"Before we go on stage, please tell me who the prettiest boy in the world is?"
Instead of his usual reply of, "Jared you are the prettiest boy the world, if I wasn't fucking your brother, I would want to defy science and carry your babies."
To which Jared would respond by ruffling his hair and calling him cute.
Instead, Tomo said; "It's true that you are very pretty, Jared, but I don't think I can truthfully tell you that you are the prettiest boy in the world any more."
"WHAT!" Jared immediately assumed he was having a nightmare (except there was a distinct lack of chickens), or Tomo had fallen over and hit his head (probably a new kinky sex game of Shannon's), he could not believe his ears.
"Tim is as pretty as you, and when he's getting his bass on, boy is the SEX, seriously."
"Who the fuck is
"Bass player, onstage with us last night," Tomo pointed over his shoulder, "sitting beside Shannon on the couch?"
"Well...get rid of him!"
"Shut up Jared."
Jared was used to nothing less than utter obedience from both Shannon and Tomo, so to say he was shocked was the understatement of the... well, the day to be perfectly honest. Being a princess tended to make one slightly over-dramatic.
"The concert is OFF! I refuse to go onstage with this," Jared waved his hand up and down and across, "this… Jezebel!" Jared stormed off and slammed the door behind him.
“Why’d he go in the closet?” Tim asked nervously.
“He’s pissy because I said you’re just as pretty as him.”
"Umm," Tim looked worriedly between Tomo and Shannon, "maybe I should quit?"
"Don't you dare, do you have anywhere you can stay for a few days? Give him time to calm down."
"I guess, I know these guys across town, they'd let me stay there, if it's just a few days."
"Great, do that. Tomo and I will smooth things over this end. It'll be worth it, you'll see."
Jared examined every inch of the hotel suite and was happy that Tim had gone and was not hiding in the wardrobe. He found Tomo reading a magazine upside down (he was upside down, hanging off the end of the bed, technically the magazine was upside down too, but he was reading it the right way up).
"Tell me Tomo, who is the prettiest boy in the world?"
Tomo flipped his legs over his head and stood up. "It's a toss up, Tim's still hot."
"But he's not here!"
"Dude, he still exists, there's more to life than just this room."
"Where is he?"
"Went to stay with some friends, Avenged Sevenfold, or something. Shannon knows them."
Jared hatched a cunning plan in his, twisted-in-random-ways, brain. It was simple really - Tim would have to cease to exist.
Disguised as a (female) wardrobe assistant, Jared snuck into the dressing room where he knew Tim would be waiting for Avenged Sevenfold to finish their set.
He knocked the door and it was indeed Tim who answered. "I need to test this corset, everyone else is busy, will you help me?" Jared thought his disguise most convincing, (he was a famous actor after all) and his plan foolproof.
Tim (who was a nice guy and not much of a fool. But everyone has their off days) found he couldn't say no to such an innocent seeming request and welcomed Jared into the dressing room. Besides, he was a sucker for blue eyes and men in drag.
Jared tightened the laces until Tim started turning an interesting shade of red and then he excused himself to fetch his bag. Leaving Tim gasping for breath, Jared threw off his disguise and ran off cackling into the night.
Tim was saved because The Reverend Tholomew Plague (no relation to ‘Famine’ of the Four Horsemen) luckily came back for his spare sticks. He cut the laces with his teeth and breathed air into Tim's lungs until they were pumping on their own again.
"Dude, that was close, and I don't even want to know what you were doing."
Tim coughed. "I didn't do it to myself!"
"That's what I was afraid of."
News of Tim's survival soon reached Jared's hotel suite.
"Curses!" He slammed his fist on the dressing table and winced a little when he staved his pinkie.
'I need a new plan.' He said it on the inside because Shannon and Tomo were still trying to convince him they needed Tim in the band, they'd probably object to killing him.
Turning up in person had failed, besides, Tim would have to be really stupid to fall for the same trick twice. He decided to use fed-ex.
Tim opened his mail warily, he half expected it might explode and was pleasantly surprised to find a beautiful, antique, one size fits all, collar. He snapped it into place and knew immediately it was too tight. His last thought as he drifted out of consciousness was that he’d never been to Australia or swum with dolphins, he really wanted to do both of those things.
Fortunately, Synyster Gates (who sounds like he should be the villain, but isn’t really. Its just a wicked sounding name. For a house more than a person. But still, he was happy with it) was passing Tim’s room and thought it odd that Tim had stopped breathing for the second time in less than forty-eight hours, what was up with that? He was beginning to think the guy had an asphyxiation kink.
Being an all round decent sort of guy, not exactly hero material (it’s difficult to be a hero with a name like Synyster) but close enough that he removed the collar and gave Tim the kiss of life, and teased him about how he was working his way around the band and if he wanted to make out, all he had to do was ask.
Tim threw the collar in the bin and vowed never to accept gifts from anyone, ever again.
The news of Tim’s second survival soon reached Jared’s ears and he spent half an hour breaking things in a therapeutic manner. Right, he thought to himself because he was still trying very hard to keep Shannon and Tomo out of his plans, thank you very much - last try. He placed an anonymous call to Papa Johns, and ordered pizza to be delivered to Tim and his seven friends.
Jared intercepted and paid the delivery boy and added a few ‘special ingredients’ before knocking the door and leaving the pizza outside.
The door was answered by Zacky Vengeance, (who was not the sort of person who questioned free food), and grabbed the pizzas quickly, shutting the door behind him.
Jared watched from across the street and once he saw that his plan had been a success, he ran off cackling into the night.
For strange and inexplicable reasons that no one knows (but it probably involved kissing), Avenged Sevenfold managed to, somehow, survive death-by-pizza and save our
When Tomo informed Jared of the near death of their kind-of-bassist, Jared’s bottom lip wobbled in disappointment. He’d failed. Again.
“Dude, can’t you just admit you want to fuck him instead of trying so damn hard to kill him. Do you have any idea how difficult it’ll be to replace yet another Bassist?”
Jared was shocked, horrified at the implication that he would stoop so low as to – ok, he didn’t have the best track record, but shocked and horrified nonetheless. He locked himself in the closet again.
After spending two hours fuming and wondering who’s stupid idea it was to have the closet door and the main door so close together and looking exactly the same, he finally came to the inclusion that killing their kind-of-Bassist might, just, possibly, maybe be a bad idea.
He informed Shannon and Tomo of this, and told them to stop trying to kill Tim (just incase Tim had magical super-hearing. He didn’t want to be blamed).
“What changed your mind?”
Jared didn’t mention the conversation he’d had with the mop. It was a bit too personal.
“Sorry, there’s a fine line between love and hate, I just wasn’t sure which side he was on.”
Tomo walked in on Jared and Tim fucking like bunnies less than three hours later. “I take it all back, there is nothing in this world prettier than that, please continue as if I’m not here.”
The first proper show with Tim on stage with them, and Jared actually acknowledging him as part of the band was a roaring success. In fact, Avenged Sevenfold (those guys who kept saving Tim’s ass) came to shake their hands at the after show party.
Jared looked at them quizzically, worrying that maybe, possibly, accidentally, one of his plans had worked, “where are the others?”
Five faces mirrored his expression (minus the worry), “what others?” the kinda dopey looking one asked.
“There should be seven of you,” Jared said in the tone of a five year old child who knows everything and is always right.
“Nah, s’just a clever name.”
“Ahh, right” but he wasn’t convinced.
And they all lived happily ever after. Although the Avenged Sevenfold actually being 'Not-Really-Vengeful-At-All Five-All-Told' thing kept Jared up for hours after Tim had collapsed in a thoroughly fucked-out and still adorable heap.
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